And then there was one..

Its been awhile since I blogged.  I started this blog because I wanted to let other women newly diagnosed with POF that if they are feeling insurmountable grief, they aren't alone.  You aren't alone.   However, as time moved on, my desire to focus on my grief decreased.  Summer came and it was full of trips, vacation, and unfortunately some family illnesses.   I felt like I was making progress towards acceptance and was less inclined to focus on the negative.  Then last week happened, my best friend announced she was pregnant.

At the beginning of this year two of my girlfriends  (Jenna and Sara) and I ran off to Napa for a girls weekend (all of us trying for pregnancies with little success).  The Monday upon landing Jenna found out she was expecting.  I was a little sad for myself, but otherwise very genuinely happy.  This past weekend I flew out to see Sara.  We planned a spa weekend away complete with booze, spa treatments, sleep and sun.  On Monday when I landed from my flight home, she texted me her pregnancy test-- 'pregnant'.   Up until this point other people's pregnancy announcements had little to no affect on me.  The minute I received her text I started bawling, in the cab, on the way home from the airport.  I'm not even talking misty eyes, blame it on allergies, tears--nope full on ugly cry face, snot running out my nose and swollen eyes.  I got to my door and just crumpled outside of it for a good bit until I regained my composure.

I feel awful for being so upset that 'she's pregnant and I'm not', I'd like to think I only want the best for my friends (and I do), but this whole experience has me questioning myself.  Out of the last three years of pregnancy announcements why did this one hit me so hard?  Out of all the people I could have been jealous of, why did it have to be my best friend?  I'm hoping this was a one time thing.

On the plus side, I am now finally motivated to pursue egg donation.  Paper work has been completed for a retirement fund loan to fund the treatments (we are looking at financing 30-70k for the treatment cycles, and for us, this is the best path-but its not without its draw backs).  New appoints to start the process have been schedule and I finally feel like I'm ready (and I wasn't sure I'd ever get to that point).  Now to take one last vacation before knocking me up (fingers crossed).

Random Thoughts

-I have looked at the same egg donor profile for over 3 months now.  On paper she is perfect, same sports growing up, same Myers-Briggs personality,  hair color, build, blood type, etc.  I know she will be my first choice when we start perusing egg donors (assuming she's still available).  I want to 'like' (is that the right word?) her, but she's not me and I feel like an asshole for thinking my genes are special.  In fact I know my genes are not special (other than they are mine) and have quite a few flaws in them (micro deletion aside). 

-I am petrified of being a parent.  It feels so weird to be infertile and upset about it and yet, at the same time, be absolutely petrified of being a parent.  I like my life.  I want to raise a child and I know my husband will make a great father but I question my parenting abilities.  Will I be selfless enough to be a good parent?

-I wouldn't mind twins and may prefer twins.  It would be nice for my child to have a genetic sibling.  We are spending a LOT of money on getting me pregnant so, if we only had to do it once that would be nice.  There are only two reason I might opt for a SET one is because twin skin scares the crap out of me and I am vain (see last confession.)   The second is that I would feel like more of a failure if I wasn't able to carry a twins pregnancy to term.   Can't get pregnant and can't carry... I fear I might feel completely broken if that happened.

Out of the blue..

Have you ever had a day where your grief just all of the sudden hits you as hard as it did the first time you received the bad news?  Today is one of those days for me.  I have been at my desk for two hours today trying my damnest to blink back as many tears as possible over my infertitlity.  Its old news, so I am not sure why today is such a hard day. 

I'm starting to wonder if I set myself up for failure.  I set a mythical 6 month date (June) to grieve and get over my lack of ability to have children.  I told myself after June, I'd move on with egg donation.  I would be ready.  June is a month away and I am realizing I may not be ready.  I may not be able to give my grief an expiration date.  As much as I may hope, there may not be a date on the calendar where everything turns to puppies and rainbows.

This blog post is making me feel a little better.
http://www.hellogrief.org/how-did-grief-get-an-expiration-date/

The holding pattern...

I'm not ready to actively pursue egg donation yet, but I feel weird 'doing nothing'.

I know I should start counseling.  I've been to counseling in the past, but this time it feels different.  This time there is nothing to fix.  This time the only outcome is acceptance.  It's been hard to swallow that there is no 'fix' for me.  I'm defective, its as simple and as hard as that.

It feels weird to be on a path where I :kinda: want to move forward and yet I know I am not ready.  In reality I just want the band-aid to my pain.  I feel as if I am in this holding pattern.  The is an  unsettling but not unfamiliar feeling.

Three years ago when I stopped taking birth control I thought I'd get pregnant immediately (ha!).  I lived my life as if I would be pregnant at any point.  I didn't buy dresses or clothes for the next season at clearance sales, I didn't plan trips, I didn't enter races.  I did spend a lot of time staring at pregnancy tests missing that oh so vital second line.  I was miserable.  By the second year I started living as if *this* was my last time to do anything because I'd be pregnant at any moment.  I bought, bought, and bought some more.  I traveled, I jumped off big rocks, I lived my life, and I was happier despite not being pregnant.

Photo Courtesy of 1 Eye Photography 

Now I am back to being afraid to live my life.  Afraid to plan for the future.  If we pursue egg donation there is an 80% success rate.  If.

Girls just want to have fun...

Three of my close girlfriends have reached that point in their lives now where they are now actively trying for children.  As such we planned one last hurrah.  A girls weekend to Napa :)

As with all good girls weekends, we laughed, we cried, and we drank too much.  Our favorite wineries of the trip were Cranes, Kitchak, and Aonair Wineries.
We discussed fertility and infertility (one girlfriend has completed 5 cycles of Clomid (PCOS) and one is just starting to actively try to conceive).   I was touched when each offered me her eggs (money can't buy friends like these!).  But overall it was a nice escape from the heartache of infertility.

The day after we landed my girlfriend who has completed 5 cycles of Clomid found out she was pregnant.  I couldn't be happy for her (honestly) but I still get sad at the realization that I will never get the 'Pregnant' test without donor eggs. 

The end of an era...

I once read a post from a blogger (sorry I forget who!) that really resonated with me.  For the past few weeks I have struggled with WHY having my own genetic child was so important to me.  I realized for me, its not just my genes I wanted to pass on, but those of my parents, my grandparents,  and everyone before me.  Its the one way in which I could keep everyone, even myself, from dying.  Our branch of the tree would continue with my children and their children. 

Source

Last week I was told that the branch would end with me.  My doctor called to tell me I have a weak X chromosome.  My memories may live on in others, but my genetics never will.  I'm devastated.

Edit:  My wording was a poor choice (and so was the doctors) its not Fragile X.  After meeting with a genetic counselor I learned its a deletion of a portion of my second X chromosome.  Its also not Turners.  Its rare enough to not have its own name.  

Its amazing what a difference

a good doctor can make.  I met with RE #2.  I immediately liked him.  I felt that he actually cared about the 'whole' me and not just the getting me pregnant.  Unlike the previous Dr, he wanted me to get a bone scan to ensure I don't have to much bone loss (a side effect of decreased estrogen).  He is also willing to prescribe HRT (yay!).  He even gave me hope.  In his opinion, the immune system is attacking the maturing follicles.  He theorizes that my odds for getting pregnant may be improved by being on birth control for three months and then heavily monitoring me once I come off to do well timed sex or an IUI.  In theory this would give me one shot at getting pregnant.  Three months is a long time to wait for one shot.  But one is better than none.  I'm still getting a third opinion, but at the end of this month. I now know I will at least have a path forward.