Wednesday, August 6, 2014

And then there was one..

Its been awhile since I blogged.  I started this blog because I wanted to let other women newly diagnosed with POF that if they are feeling insurmountable grief, they aren't alone.  You aren't alone.   However, as time moved on, my desire to focus on my grief decreased.  Summer came and it was full of trips, vacation, and unfortunately some family illnesses.   I felt like I was making progress towards acceptance and was less inclined to focus on the negative.  Then last week happened, my best friend announced she was pregnant.

At the beginning of this year two of my girlfriends  (Jenna and Sara) and I ran off to Napa for a girls weekend (all of us trying for pregnancies with little success).  The Monday upon landing Jenna found out she was expecting.  I was a little sad for myself, but otherwise very genuinely happy.  This past weekend I flew out to see Sara.  We planned a spa weekend away complete with booze, spa treatments, sleep and sun.  On Monday when I landed from my flight home, she texted me her pregnancy test-- 'pregnant'.   Up until this point other people's pregnancy announcements had little to no affect on me.  The minute I received her text I started bawling, in the cab, on the way home from the airport.  I'm not even talking misty eyes, blame it on allergies, tears--nope full on ugly cry face, snot running out my nose and swollen eyes.  I got to my door and just crumpled outside of it for a good bit until I regained my composure.

I feel awful for being so upset that 'she's pregnant and I'm not', I'd like to think I only want the best for my friends (and I do), but this whole experience has me questioning myself.  Out of the last three years of pregnancy announcements why did this one hit me so hard?  Out of all the people I could have been jealous of, why did it have to be my best friend?  I'm hoping this was a one time thing.

On the plus side, I am now finally motivated to pursue egg donation.  Paper work has been completed for a retirement fund loan to fund the treatments (we are looking at financing 30-70k for the treatment cycles, and for us, this is the best path-but its not without its draw backs).  New appoints to start the process have been schedule and I finally feel like I'm ready (and I wasn't sure I'd ever get to that point).  Now to take one last vacation before knocking me up (fingers crossed).