Saturday, March 29, 2014

The holding pattern...

I'm not ready to actively pursue egg donation yet, but I feel weird 'doing nothing'.

I know I should start counseling.  I've been to counseling in the past, but this time it feels different.  This time there is nothing to fix.  This time the only outcome is acceptance.  It's been hard to swallow that there is no 'fix' for me.  I'm defective, its as simple and as hard as that.

It feels weird to be on a path where I :kinda: want to move forward and yet I know I am not ready.  In reality I just want the band-aid to my pain.  I feel as if I am in this holding pattern.  The is an  unsettling but not unfamiliar feeling.

Three years ago when I stopped taking birth control I thought I'd get pregnant immediately (ha!).  I lived my life as if I would be pregnant at any point.  I didn't buy dresses or clothes for the next season at clearance sales, I didn't plan trips, I didn't enter races.  I did spend a lot of time staring at pregnancy tests missing that oh so vital second line.  I was miserable.  By the second year I started living as if *this* was my last time to do anything because I'd be pregnant at any moment.  I bought, bought, and bought some more.  I traveled, I jumped off big rocks, I lived my life, and I was happier despite not being pregnant.
Photo Courtesy of 1 Eye Photography 
Now I am back to being afraid to live my life.  Afraid to plan for the future.  If we pursue egg donation there is an 80% success rate.  If.

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