Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Random Thoughts

-I have looked at the same egg donor profile for over 3 months now.  On paper she is perfect, same sports growing up, same Myers-Briggs personality,  hair color, build, blood type, etc.  I know she will be my first choice when we start perusing egg donors (assuming she's still available).  I want to 'like' (is that the right word?) her, but she's not me and I feel like an asshole for thinking my genes are special.  In fact I know my genes are not special (other than they are mine) and have quite a few flaws in them (micro deletion aside). 

-I am petrified of being a parent.  It feels so weird to be infertile and upset about it and yet, at the same time, be absolutely petrified of being a parent.  I like my life.  I want to raise a child and I know my husband will make a great father but I question my parenting abilities.  Will I be selfless enough to be a good parent?

-I wouldn't mind twins and may prefer twins.  It would be nice for my child to have a genetic sibling.  We are spending a LOT of money on getting me pregnant so, if we only had to do it once that would be nice.  There are only two reason I might opt for a SET one is because twin skin scares the crap out of me and I am vain (see last confession.)   The second is that I would feel like more of a failure if I wasn't able to carry a twins pregnancy to term.   Can't get pregnant and can't carry... I fear I might feel completely broken if that happened.

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