Infertility, the disease you suffer alone. It's a surprisingly isolating disease. When we first married we had a few sets of great friends. As time moved on they married, they got pregnant, they had children. Their lives evolved to include social activities often revolving around their children (children's parties, baptism, play groups, etc..). We stayed where we were at, married and childless. Our lives didn't evolve and we were left behind. I often wonder/worry that we've become that awkward couple that no one wants to invite out, because what do you say to the infertile? Can you ask how their treatments are going, what they foresee the future holding for them and then how do you respond to their answers? Can you talk about the joy your children bring you? There is no good answer because everyone is different. My answer to all of this is yes other people's would be no.
I think the worst part of infertility is even when you have friends going through the same thing, its still isolating. It's still hard. I'm hurting so much that I've subconsciously built these walls to avoid being hurt anymore. In the back of your mind, you know someone's treatment has to fail, someone has to be the negative statistic. You don't want to be that person, and if you are, you don't want to lose yet another set of friends whose lives are about to evolve.
The grief and misery is suffocating at times. Right now, for me, is one of those times. I don't think I've gone more than three days without crying ever since the diagnosis. The energy it takes to 'hold it all together' though the work day is exhausting. Its not like telling my bosses, 'oh by the way- on Christmas Eve I was told I can't have genetic children' would make them understand my misery. (and I really wouldn't want them knowing that I am and have been trying to achieve a pregnancy anyway...). So I just keep swimming, trying to keep my head above water and putting one foot in front of the other.
*(Credit Dr. Seuss for the quote)
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